Are you really listening to me
One of the worst habits a leader can display, is that of ignoring to give their team members the attention they deserve.
And it is not just that it is rude, ignoring your team is ultimately communicating to them that their views, expertise or feelings are not relevant or worse are not as relevant or as important as the bosses.
I’m not talking about patently ignoring them by avoidance or not taking time to talk with them. This more subtle habit creeps up on leaders as work pressures mount, deadlines loom, as mistakes are made and as fear of looking bad consumes us.
Little by little we stop listening.
Not listening to people may be more prevalent than you think. How many of the below have you witnessed recently in or out of work?
Cutting someone mid flow to correct it, disagree with it or finish it?
Impatiently waiting for someone to finish talking so they can jump in with their ‘more relevant’ point of view?
Spending the entire time that someone else is talking working out what you want to say or worse day-dreaming about something else completely.
Scanning around the room while someone is talking
Checking notes, phones or laptops mid conversation
Cutting into others with noises of approval or disapproval?
Making faces of disapproval while someone is talking?
Jumping in with ‘NO’ or ‘BUT’ when someone has shared their view or perspective.
Holding a body language that says please finish, and quickly
Projecting stereotypes and expectations on those talking
If you are doing these things you are not listening. Not really listening in any case.
I don’t need to list the impact of not listening, If I just ask you how you felt when someone behaved as I listed above while you were sharing a idea, a view or a feeling?
What about when that person was the boss or some else you looked to for confidence and validation of your work?
This habit is a motivation, creative thinking and confidence killer and will lead your teams to withdraw and stop sharing. Worse still it will start a vicious spiral of lost motivation, decreased engagement and ultimately resignation.
I think if we reflect for a moment, we can all find examples of times we have ignored those we really need to be paying the most attention to (this go for at home too).
I have witnessed this behaviour from senior leaders and it is usually not malicious, ignorant perhaps but they are just not aware of the impact it has on others. After all around 60% of managers have had no formal training, and of those how many have studied this aspect?
I have also witnessed absolute superstars at listening. I remember every single one of them fondly. I wanted to perform for them and I wanted to help them succeed even when the going got tough.
Good listening skills are truly an advantage and a skill worth nurturing.
The good news is this, like all bad habits, can be turned around and you could be the leader that everyone loves to communicate with, your teams yearn for the opportunity to share with and become truly empowered, that has a vibrant network and leadership earmark each time for opportunities because of the abundance of this valuable and scarce skill.
All you need to do is really listen to the person talking. Its not so easy, keeping your mouth shut can be tougher for some than running a marathon.
Here are a few tips to try out
Retain eye contact throughout
Smile and use open body language
Avoid anticipating what is about to be said (even unconsciously)
Ignore the compulsion to defend or justify
Don’t project your opinions or views (quiet the part of your brain that says it won’t work, or its wrong)
Let go of the ego – you have nothing to prove here
Breathe – continue breathing deeply to help you retain balance
And you don’t need to lie, if you didn’t agree with what was said, acknowledge them for taking the time to share. Just say thank you!
The purpose is to listen, make that person feel valued for that moment they are the star, with a voice, an opinion and a role to play in moving the team and the organisation forwards.
Guess what, it doesn’t matter if the idea won’t work, or is wrong or costs too much money or all those other alarms that could be going off in your mind. By the way, they will come to that conclusion themselves if you give them the space to develop the ideas.
Each time you feel like cutting in, ask yourself “is it worth it?” is that thing I feel compelled to interject with really adding value and elevating the other person in this conversation?
The purpose is to listen, make that person feel valued for that moment they are the star, with a voice, an opinion and a role to play in moving the team and the organisation forwards.
It will take practice to really be present, listening in this way but you will get so much pay back.
And you know what, it feels nice for both parties; even generating a dopamine hit.
What if you were that person that everyone gravitated towards?
What if your team relished the chance to share their ideas with you?
What if they wanted to help you succeed?
And what if your teams motivation stood out from the rest?
When is the next opportunity you have to try this out?
What do you have to loose by trying?
